Self Help

Written during the lockdown

I don’t think most Americans are comfortable with doing the same thing every day. It’s monotonous and Americans aren’t into monotony. We like to be different and we like to show each other how different we are. Everyone staying home is like…being the same in a very fundamental way. It feels terrible. Normally, Americans make that feeling go away by shopping, by eating at restaurants, by going on vacations and going to concerts and generally spending whatever money they can afford on these little luxuries.

But now the feeling of sameness is inescapable. You can only mitigate the feeling of wanting something different by doing little things, like planting a flower or drinking a soda or calling a friend sometimes. These are *terrible* mitigation strategies, when compared with going somewhere that isn’t our house.

It’s almost as if money can’t buy our happiness anymore. We can’t even have stuff shipped to us without risking infection! Which, let me tell you, takes a lot of the fun out of ordering things. Food delivery has the same risk and let’s face it, ordering a meal does not have the same boredom-relief qualities as going to a restaurant where a waiter serves you and you’re together with a hundred other people all carefully ignoring each other. Ah, the good ol’ days of being around people while not interacting with them in any meaningful way! It was not a shared experience, but it was shared *existence* and even though it held no meaning at the time, it holds a lot of value as nostalgia now.

Now I only do simple things around my house, and it sucks. I fill the bird bath, I make pancakes. I get a fresh flower from my kids every day after they walk to an empty field, which I carefully put into a vase that is just for that purpose. I spend a lot of time looking at the trees in my front yard while I ponder someone’s e-mail. I walk a lot every single day and only eat home-cooked food. It’s a healthy and slow-paced existence, one that I used to wish for. But…it’s terrible. Why does it feel terrible?

When we were still in regular times, I was so stressed out. Every day was so filled with work and school and after-school activities that I felt like I would burst from the strain. How would I make dinner when I picked the kids up at 5 (after working 9 hours) and volleyball practice was at 6? How was that going to work if my husband got home at 7? What about showers and homework? And what about that Disney vacation looming? How was I going to have time to pack and plan for *that*?

Well, Universe, you got me good this time. All of the things that stressed me out got cancelled, I haven’t left my house in two weeks, and somehow, I’m still stressed out. Perhaps this is the life lesson I needed, and now I will re-examine my life and my priorities.

Or maybe I’ll just stream Netflix and complain on the internet. Could go either way.